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To C or not to C-that is the questionOpen in a New Window

So ATDT family, need some opinions.

D asked if she could make brownies for school project/her friends. Without sports or exercise she has NO hobbies or outlets (except of course clothes shopping  . Prior to AN she was a foodie with me and would help bake. Now should I:
A) let her/assist her in making brownies
B) not let her anywhere near the kitchen
C) if she does make them, then should I also make her eat one as part of her nighttime snack?
Ugh. I don't know if this will help/hinder/or be indifferent to her recovery.

As a refresher, we are maybe 5 weeks into refeed. Gentle progress. D is 15, diagnosed in late Feb.


'Around the Dinner Table' Online Forum for Parents and Carers


Inquiring minds want to knowOpen in a New Window

Hi everyone, my d will be excused from 5 or 6 classes in health. This is due to the dreaded topic of diet and exercise.

D is anxious over peers who might question her absence. Volunteering is not allowed during school hours. So that is out. Would anyone have a good excuse that has worked in the past?

This is an all girls school with a big rumor mill.

Thank you! Beans ❤️


'Around the Dinner Table' Online Forum for Parents and Carers


Body image and altering ones bodyOpen in a New Window

I can't post this on our FB page because I do not want it seen on mine. I had an epiphany today and, not a good one. My D has been into the Steampunk look for the past two years. A lot of the clothing is not appropriate for a 12 year old and I obviously control what she wears. She has always favoured dresses with a corset look. Most of them are sexual so, we do not buy them. Yesterday my friend gave her dress that has the steampunk look and is amazing on her. She said she would prefer if it if it had bones. I told her I could get her an under garment with such. I bought a regular corset from amazon. Later on, she asked me why all chest binders are advertised for lesbians. I told her that I thought it was so they could look more masculine. She then asked about trans people or, people who just don't want breasts. My response was that some people have surgery to remove breasts. She then asked me if I would buy her a binder. I said, no. I asked her if she felt male? I also said that a binder would not be healthy for a growing child to wear. She said, no, she did not feel male just that, "boobs are stupid." It has just occurred to me that this is all a part of ED. Has anyone else ever encountered this?  I should add that she is at a good weight and cleaning her plate with some minor issues but, not like December when she was diagnosed.


'Around the Dinner Table' Online Forum for Parents and Carers


Exercise (Mine)Open in a New Window

Hello all,

I have struggled with posting this question because at my core, I question if I'm being selfish.

I exercised (almost daily) for a couple of years leading up to my daughter's RAN diagnosis in November, 2017. This exercise occurred in our home (walking on the treadmill for one hour 4-5 times per week). After D's diagnosis, I stopped mostly due to my emotional state, doctor's appointments and the learning curve and subsequent dive into refeeding. As time has gone on, and we continue to refeed, I've struggled with the idea of returning to exercise as there really is not a time that I can do it that D would be unaware. One of her biggest challenges is the fact that we've eliminated sport and exercise from her life, temporarily, due to her illness. To that end, I've felt it would be challenging for her to know that I get to exercise and she does not. Further, I feel guillty that part of my desire to exercise is related to the fact that I've experienced considerable weight gain as we refeed D. As I type this, I feel selfish even asking for input. Should I remove exercise from my life until my daughter is well again or hope it models that exercise is part of a healthy lifestyle for those that don't suffer from ED. Your input would be appreciated.


'Around the Dinner Table' Online Forum for Parents and Carers


When do they STOP trying to get out of eating what they're supposed to!!!Open in a New Window

So, technically, my d is WR, but I'm still feeding her the higher amounts. It is a constant battle with her trying to leave "crumbs" behind, and my h and I following up and making her finish it. Last week was when she met her target and now next week she goes in again to make sure she's still doing well so she can go back to dance class once or twice a week. Ever since she hit her target, she's been trying to leave more behind, and initially asked me if we get to drop a supplement now (the answer was no, because I'm going for extra in case of illness, etc.). We have a contract with dance that if she loses, she'll have to stop until she's back up again, so we'll see what happens there, it may be a short experiment. But the constant having to remind her to finish is maddening! She's trying a new tactic of saying her stomach hurts (which I've provided medical, yoga and probiotic solutions to no avail) and gets mad when I suggest maybe it's anxiety that's causing them. She thinks we don't believe her, which is kind of true, but she can't see that part of it is the ED punishing her for eating. She hates all talk and art therapy, so I don't quite know where to turn. I know it takes time, but I would hope some of these behaviors would just start to go away. Sorry for the vent, but it's annoying!


'Around the Dinner Table' Online Forum for Parents and Carers


At my wits end!!Open in a New Window

Hi, this is my first post here so apologies if this turns out to be a rambling, unintelligible mess.

I am extremely worried about my 16 year old daughter, 17 in a few months. Recently she's lost a lot of weight, and she was thin to begin with. She's out of the house a lot, and I suspect she eats nothing then. When she is home, she's snappy and cold to me, more than is typical for a teenager. I strongly suspect she has an ed, but when I've confronted her in the past (as calmly as possible!) she's blown up and told me to "back off", that I'm being too controlling and authoritarian.

So, it gets a bit tricky, because she's naturally very headstrong and very independent-minded, and will deliberately do the opposite of what people expect from her. She's very intelligent and the artsier type, and once she's set her mind on something, she won't back down. Evidently, this can sometimes cause problems. It's one thing to go the reverse-parenting route with, say, her wanting to dye her hair bright orange, but this obviously can't be applied here! I know that she has an ed, for who knows how long, and I have to do something about it, but she just won't budge! I feel so helpless with this situation, no matter how I try and approach it with her just won't work! I'm afraid that whatever it is she's doing has become firmly ingrained in her mind, I've even found calorie tracks and sick shrines to famous anorexics and saints with anorexia miribalis in her room. The whole thing makes me feel sick to my stomach, what do I do?


'Around the Dinner Table' Online Forum for Parents and Carers


Residential inpatient care AustraliaOpen in a New Window

My d has been suffering with AN for 4 years now, she currently has a BMI 16.5. She is 18 so treatment is very tricky. She is on the waiting list for public residential care here but only 1 bed allocated for our region and 3 people on the list before her. There is only 1 other private inpatient place here in New Zealand it isn’t overly rated. I’m now looking into options in Australia, she wants help and want residential living to help her. Can anyone recommend places and prices. Thanks


'Around the Dinner Table' Online Forum for Parents and Carers


How to collaborate with clinicians and the treating teamsOpen in a New Window

Hi everyone, I am hoping to get some insight for strategies of working with the treating team as opposed to being sat of the sidelines. 

What has worked for you? 

How do you decipher what works best for a young adult, ie; FBT, Indivual Psychotherapy, Dietitian, GP, Counselleor, SMT, Day Programs, ..........or a mixture of it all.



'Around the Dinner Table' Online Forum for Parents and Carers


Is Chicago sold out?Open in a New Window

I went to purchase tickets today ( I know, procrastinator) on the Eventbrite site but it says the sale ended. Any idea how we can still get a spot or if there is a waitlist? I was waiting to see if my schedule cleared up so me and the W could go. 


'Around the Dinner Table' Online Forum for Parents and Carers


FBT or In-patientOpen in a New Window

Please can someone advise me. My 17yo daughter was diagnosed with anxiety, depression, self-harming, suicidality in Sept 2017.

She spent 3 weeks in a general adolescent psychiatric unit. Then another 3 weeks in November 2017 when she admitted to anorexic behaviour.

We haven't really treated the anorexia as yet.

Her treatment team is adamant that she attend an in-patient program despite that I have found a hospital that offers FBT.

Her psychologist is applying the traditional blame the parents approach and I have been villainised. My daughter sees only the worst in me. She is determined to leave home next year.

Her psychologist conveyed to her, instead of me as the parent, her criticisms of FBT.

So now my daughter won't even hear about FBT or see anyone who practices it.

Whilst I am happy my daughter and her psychologist enjoy a close connection but I am not happy with what it's doing to my relationship with my daughter.

My daughter threatened me just last night. She said "If you take me to FBT you'll regret it. DON'T push me." She also said I am messing up her life because I don't know what I'm doing.

So the FBT team can see my daughter on Friday 20/04/2018 then formulate a plan or I can have her admitted to 3 week in-patient treatment at a different clinic on Monday 23/04/2018 and possibly do FBT after that.

I really don't know what to do now.

Can anyone advise me please.

Thanking you in advance.


'Around the Dinner Table' Online Forum for Parents and Carers


Return from Residential - Not smoothOpen in a New Window

Haven't been here for a while. 19 YO completed residential on April 4. We left with a contract. Two problems: 1) The contract doesn't address daily skipped meals, which it should have (my fault) but only weight loss over a week or two. 2) The contract required her to set up family meetings for us biweekly. (I knew it was a bad idea to leave it to her, but res center insisted). She hasn't, so we have no signed releases, no forum to discuss this behavior set up and she still hasn't done it.

She has good days of eating and then bad days of refusing a meal or snack or not eating it at all. I try being curious, asking her what I can do to help, etc. It all gets shut down - "Leave me alone" etc.

As part of the contract, if weight loss happens or meds not taken or no family sessions, we set as consequence to pull financial support. So yesterday when she refused to eat breakfast and said she was going for a run (We live in the north and we have 6 inches of snow!) I presented her with her cell phone contract to take over. She refused to sign it, so I turned it and her wi-fi connection off.

She tried to bargain... she'll eat a PBJ for lunch if I turn it back on, but that's not her full meal plan and she skipped breakfast so I said no. Now she will not eat at all and is not speaking to us. She feels we aren't following the contract (there was nothing in there for daily skipped meals so her phone shouldn't have been turned off. And that's true - we mistakenly didn't address that).

In the past, I would have caved and been happy she ate anything, but that hasn't worked in the past. Our next step will be beginning to charge rent, car insurance, she'll have to buy a car, we will not pay for college in the fall. However, I'll be honest... none of this seems to motivate her to change, but only makes her dig in all the harder. If those financial terms don't promote change, our final step is asking her to find a new place to live. 

So, that's where things are at. I feel hopeless. I really do. Two stays in residential and here we are again. I'm torn between not giving up on her and going the detach with love route, which is a lot more peaceful and sane. My husband is done - his empathy is gone. This is when we have our own problems due to the stress of this child. And I have another younger D who is affected by all this. It would be easier if she lived elsewhere for sure. But scary.

Just venting and if you have experience this far down the road, thank you for sharing it.





'Around the Dinner Table' Online Forum for Parents and Carers


Caught between a rock and a hard place - Young adult treatmentOpen in a New Window


I think I really just need to vent, and am feeling a bit down at the moment.

We have a lovely support network of close friends and family, who like us, are desperate to see our 19YO daughter (20 in a month) beat Anorexia and get well.

She is medically stable, seeing the hospital GP regularly and in treatment at REDS here in Auckland,NZ.

She is studying full time at University, and doing well. All sounds pretty good.... apart from the low mood, no periods, still underweight and not actually making any real progress with gaining weight.

REDS want her to make significant progress by the end of this semester, and if she hasn't then they want her to do an intensive outpatient course during the semester break.  We have no problem at all with this plan.

Our support network is starting to push us to pull her out of University now (not exactly our choice given her age) and put her in residential care.  However, given that she is medically stable, and legally an adult (emotionally not as we all know), short of sectioning her under the mental health act (which doesn't happen here unless there is immediate medical risk) we are pretty much stuck.

She is engaging with her team at REDS, and with her consent I am attending appointments with her.  

I don't really know why I am bothering to post this, apart from I know that many of you will have been here, and know what it's like, and I guess I just need to feel heard and understood, as I feel like I can't vent to my friends and family.

Anyway, thanks for listening.



'Around the Dinner Table' Online Forum for Parents and Carers


Getting Back Into College Life-Experiences?Open in a New Window

Hi- I would love to hear from those of you who have or had children going back to college. Besides carrying snacks, would love to know how to make sure they re getting all their meals in (from a timing issue- you know how things pop up or run longer than expected). If you could share both successful strategies, and possible stumbling blocks, I think all your knowledge, as always, could be very beneficial. Thanks in advance, for anything you might be able to offer.


'Around the Dinner Table' Online Forum for Parents and Carers


EDcusesOpen in a New Window

Don’t know if this is on the forum somewhere but was wondering what amazing excuses/negotiating ED has tried flying past you around meals and exercise.

They are daily right now for us but the winner of the day today was how bland the mexican rice i made was when last week she said how delicious it was. Mind you it came from the same batch as I froze the leftovers since it was seemingly a hit!

Also heard these today: I can’t eat another bite, I am full.

Since when do I like doritos?

I don’t like pizza from there. That is why I stopped eating it. Plus it’s cold.


'Around the Dinner Table' Online Forum for Parents and Carers


My 16 yr D about to start lastOpen in a New Window


My 16 year old D was diagnosed with ED in Feb 2018 having restricted for 6 months.

Her history is high performing in sports, school studies, caring, loyal...initially very keen to become the fittest she could in her sport which led to restricting. When the ED took hold, shockingly very quickly, so did the suicidal thoughts.

She started with shingles in Jan 18 which led to check ups with GP. The low mood had started around Sept 17 when we first saw a nurse who prescribed the combined pill. No concern re weight etc then. GP was fantastic when we attended with shingles and low mood. I disclosed my concerns with suicidal thoughts and GP helped me address this with my D. On one occasion this led to me quickly acting and attending A&E which led to Crisis Team referral and diagnosis of ED.

Went through refeeding stage where the ‘exorcist’ showed itself. She mostly complied with refeeding but took us by surprise with point blank refusing one meal....wailing about tummy aches...pleading she just was too full. Stuck with it and read the actual phrases from Eva Mysby’s book whilst going through it....! It worked. Have had some attempted manipulation. D says the ED voice is ‘being nice’ and trying a new tactic which is worrying. D becomes frustrated about waiting for CAMHS appointments as each time we are told she is a priority for CBT but we have to wait for a space. In the meantime we had to call 999 as she had a psychotic like episode. Screaming, overheating, aggression like I’ve never seen....I thought she was going to fit....she doesn’t remember it.

We start CBT this week....what can we expect from this?? Will there be more screaming fits? I just need to be prepared as I certainly wasn’t last time. I thought the worse symptoms would appear early on in the journey but was very wrong. Having said that we gave come a long way.

Thank you for listening.


'Around the Dinner Table' Online Forum for Parents and Carers

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