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Fast for charityOpen in a New Window

Hi all,

I was annoyed last night when I discovered ( quite by accident) ,that the scout group my S is a member of,is doing a sponsored fast on Easter Saturday in aid of Scouts.

They are to be given the sponsor forms tonight.

I only found this out yesterday as we help out with the kids sometimes (was a leader when kids small), so I still get the emails with the agenda of whats on each week.

I am really annoyed & upset for many reasons.

1/ the chief of the group is aware of my S condition.
2/she never told me, I found out by mistake.
3/ I do NOT agree with kids age 11-16 going on 24 hour fasts for charity, Scouting should know better.
4/ a letter should be sent home in advance, parents should decide & talk to their kids & a permission / or not!! Slip returned.
5/ it should not even come to this , Fasts for charity are at best ridiculous , & at worst can be  very dangerous for kids.

Uuuuggggghhhh Sorry for the rant I am fuming.

Anyway I mulled it over, grasped the nettle & told my AN Son.
I obviously told him that he wont be doing it ( to cut a long story short), & to ignore any reference to it tonight.

Then I had to speak to non ed twin.
I told him he couldn't do it & why. He said "Mum, I would not do it anyway, I would  not be without my food for anyone" Then non Ed kid said, "look Mum, in school we regularly get asked to do sponsored fasts & I just am Not interested anyway".
So Ed Son must also be subjected to that pressure/ potentially triggering events in school too. As if it isn't hard enough!
Its outrageous!!


'Around the Dinner Table' Online Forum for Parents and Carers


Heart Breaking! What to do?Open in a New Window

Hello, I have silently been following and reading posts over the last couple of months and have to say a big thank you to all on this forum for sharing your stories and those who have given their advice.  It has given me greater insight to my D's ED.  I have used the resources available on this website to educate myself further on what she is going through.  I thank you all as well as the administrators of this site for their time.

Our story!  As I've learned, it's not only my D's story but my family's story.  My daughter has suffered from major depression and anxiety for a long time but officially diagnosed about 5 years ago.  She is now 20.  The first signs were when she was having difficulty sleeping but there I believe she was hiding many of her symptoms initially until she admitted to us that she was self harming.  In terrified panic we took her to emergency where we were horrified to hear that she had thoughts of suicide.  She was admitted to a public psychiatric hospital where she was mainly sedated rather than treated.  

After 4 weeks or so she was discharged and then had several admissions to a private psychiatric hospital over 2-3 years, trying different medication and receiving ECT.  Our D had several attempts at suicide over these years ending with a near fatal attempt and ending up in ICU for a week with us wondering whether she'd make it or not.  After she recovered she was on no anti-depressants etc for about six months.  It was almost like a miracle.  Something had reset in her brain with this trauma and she was 'normal'.  But slowing signs of depression started to come back and she restarted anti-depressants.  Self harm and suicide attempts started again also which ended up with several visits to emergency departments.  During this period she was sexually assaulted.  This was the trauma that bought the underlying ED to a head.  Through high school there had be underlying issues that weren't obvious to us until later.

AN was diagnosed after she finally realised she needed to go to GP as she had heart pain and was feeling faint.  She was admitted for three weeks where I tried to get her admitted to a private psychiatric hospital which had an ED unit.  Once physically stable she was transferred but 'freaked out' on admission, 'formed' and discharged to our care.  
Without treatment she continued to loose weight again and her health deteriorated so I took her back to emergency.  They could barely get a BP and she had a tachy heart.  She was again admitted and tubed and discharged after 6 weeks.    These ED admissions were last year in 2016.

This year she is on her third admission to the private psych hospital for her AN but she discharges herself before she reaches the desired BMI.  Last time (about 3 weeks ago) she was well on the road to reaching a 'good' maintenance weight/BMI but discharged herself.  The trauma from the SA keeps awakening each time she reaches a cognitive level where she can start processing and dealing with this and this challenges her too much being the reasoning behind her wanting to discharge.  This time she had weekly appointments set up with GP, dietitian and psychologist.  All was going well for three weeks and it all started falling apart again.  

Our D is now is now in psych hospital being treated for ED as she started self harming and had suicidal ideation and had stopped eating. After a week she is again wanting to discharge as it becoming too challenging.  She just wants to come home.  The 'team' are doing their best to encourage her to stay but she just keeps wanting to leave.  As she is over 18 she can make  this decision for herself.  I have indicated that I can't guarantee her safety at home as we both work and not home during the day.  Even so, one of the last self harms occurred while we were at home anyway.  

I really don't know what to do or say anymore.  I am burnt out, exhausted.  I feel that there will never be an end to this.  I don't know what to say to her anymore.  I am doing my best to see that my D is separate from the ED and love her to no end and will do anything I can but hate how the ED has such control over her.  It's difficult to talk to other people as unless they've been in this situation, they don't truly understand and really I don't want to burn out from family and friends too.  My husband is extremely good support but we are both at the same stage.  At a total loss and totally helpless.  

I know so many of you have been here before and and still going through it.  I just feel the need to vent, to look for support or take any advice you may have to offer.  

Thank you all so much.  


'Around the Dinner Table' Online Forum for Parents and Carers


Anxiety, Depression, Fatigue with FBT, and a Spring Break Trip?Open in a New Window

Hi, everyone.  I'm new here.  My 14 year old daughter was diagnosed with anorexia in November and spent 2 1/2 weeks in a residential program and we've been doing FBT.  Overall she has been very compliant and eager to get well.  

We're in phase 2 of FBT now.  We go to family therapy for FBT once a week and she meets with an individual counselor.  We are connected to an excellent program.  

She's also  struggled with anxiety and depression and this week we realized that is getting really bad again and the meds need to be re-evaluated.  We have an appointment on Monday.  

Last week she was really furious at our appointments.  She is SO sick of doing the whole program and feels she is cured.  She's in her weight range goals but only for a short time.  

She is scheduled to go on an 8th grade class trip to Washington DC and New York City over spring break which starts a week from today.  Last night we went to the 90 minute meeting for the trip- 200 kids plus adults in an auditorium and by the end she got very overwhelmed with the crowd and needed to get out of there.

I'm worried that the trip is a mistake.  She's going to be around crowds of people all the time on this trip and that can be a big trigger for her anxiety.  I'm talking to chaperones about all of this and there is one chaperone who is a close friend of mine who can be there for her if she needs support.  

Just wondering if I'm putting her in the worst situation possible.  I've given her an out and said she doesn't have to go on the trip if it's too stressful but she really wants to do it.  I told her I don't care at all about the money, etc.  

And, I'm worried that all of this will trigger her eating disorder, too.  

I'm not looking for you to tell me she should or shouldn't go.  Her dad and I and the professionals will work through it with her.  

But, have you had similar experiences????  
Words of comfort, wisdom???


'Around the Dinner Table' Online Forum for Parents and Carers


Return to School?Open in a New Window

We are almost 6 weeks since diagnosis.  12 yo D is at home after 4 weeks IP. She has been gaining weight but is not weight restored with about 10 pounds to go.   We had a nice first few days home but are now under constant assault from her ED,  it is full time anger, grief and hate.  She is eating every meal and snack with some resistance.  The real fury comes afterwards.  Her behaviour is downright strange teetering between glum and morose to fidgety restless and frantic.  Lots of standing, jumping and racing around the house, running out the door for private walks etc.

Her T has suggested she is ready to return to school starting next week. Convenient timing as its the end of spring break and an easy return time. Part of me thinks this a good idea so she has some distraction.  The rest of me wonders if she is too deep into her illness to be out of my sight for any length of time at all.  (She would have meal support at school through a designated teacher).

Thank in advance for your comments and advice.


'Around the Dinner Table' Online Forum for Parents and Carers


Scary Healthcare planOpen in a New Window


Just read this in the NY Times regarding the bill President Trump is trying to get through congress for healthcare in the US:

"President Trump had agreed to many of the demands that the most conservative House Republicans had made, including ending requirements that health insurance plans provide a basic set of benefits like maternity care, emergency services, mental health and wellness visits."

This bill is going to be voted on soon. If you feel that these things will negatively impact your loved one and your family then it is a good time to get on the phone and call Congressional Representatives and Senators or write to the White House and express your opinion. 



'Around the Dinner Table' Online Forum for Parents and Carers


AVOIDANCEOpen in a New Window

Hi all

We've been at this journey a long time (5 years & counting) and although my d's eating remains disordered (solitary & limited range of foods) she is maintaining her weight. FBT did not work for us.

My concern is mostly her avoidance now. From reading around the forum, I note that we are not alone.

During the worst of our journey, my d remained hyper focused on school & grades and continued to excel (common story here too.) She went to a top university close to home and began with great hope and cheerfulness. She gained weight, looked and acted much like her old self. Continued to gain weight - really too much weight for her, I believed - became depressed, and dropped out of school (Her 4th semester.) Note - I am not saying that the weight gain caused depression. That was a year ago. She has since lost weight and now hovers between and healthy weight & a slightly too low weight.

She is attending community college but has been missing classes and I think probably failing. She refuses treatment of any kind. Isolates herself from friends & family.

We've been letting her be to a great extent (mostly because any intervention on our part resulted in her running away). Anyway, our patience is waning and we are beginning to lean in. 

This is my very long-winded way of asking: Have you dealt with avoidance? And, if so, any advice? It is such a tough nut to crack. Especially when I'd like to avoid the whole thing too!

Thanks, all.


'Around the Dinner Table' Online Forum for Parents and Carers


Moderator FarewellOpen in a New Window

Some of our moderators have moved on to other things. Some more recently and some a little while ago. I would just like to offer a big thank you to Colleen, Irish up, Stayingwithit, Iaminspired, and Goingtobeatthis, and EB for all their great work on the Moderator team. Some of them are still with us in other roles, others have had other things to move on to. 


'Around the Dinner Table' Online Forum for Parents and Carers


How do you stop them serving their own food?Open in a New Window

So here's the scenario: I've plated my D's dinner, she stays in her bedroom and won't come down (and before you say take it up to her bedroom, that doesn't work for her. We've tried. There are more opportunities for her to hide food in there). Two hours later she finally comes down, so I reheat her dinner. But instead of eating it, she takes an apple from the fruit bowl. I say it's great she wants an apple, but she needs to have her dinner first. She ignores me and starts eating the apple. I say fine then, have the apple first, but then she has to have her dinner. She eats the rest of the apple and storms off. Lunchtime is slightly different but similar; she plates her own food in accordance with her meal plan, which would be fine, except when she's missed the two previous meals she's supposed to have extra for lunch.
I don't know what to do. Physically restrain her? I could try, but I can't plate her food and hold her at the same time, and in any case, she's probably stronger than me. Put locks on the kitchen door? I've thought about it, but it would be an extreme measure which would disrupt the rest of the family, and wouldn't stop her getting her own food once she was downstairs. Put locks on cupboards? We haven't got room in our cupboards to keep all the food - the fruit bowl and bread bin have to be out. 
She was doing so well for a month after discharge, but now the ED thoughts and behaviours are back with a vengeance, and I really don't know how to manage them. As I've mentioned in previous posts, LSUYE doesn't work for her - when she goes downhill she has no meaningful life to speak of anyway. It's been a year since she's been in normal school, and when her ED thoughts are strong she'd rather not eat than see her friends. Hobbies have all fallen by the wayside. 


'Around the Dinner Table' Online Forum for Parents and Carers


Older sibling angry and being mean to D with ED- basically losing toleranceOpen in a New Window

Has anyone encountered issues with siblings losing patience and compassion for their sisters/brothers with an ED? If so, how did you manage it?

I have 4 girls ranging in age from 11- 17 with my second D being the one with an ED. My older D (who sis in her final year of school and working hard) has been struggling with seeing how much time I need to devote to propping up my D with an ED and is starting to get angry and saying nasty things to her sister. This in turn makes the D with the ED really upset and negative. Unfortunately they share a room so there isn't anywhere to hide. The younger girls try to ignore the ED as much as possible but it does impact on the time I have to spend with them too. Any tips from those who have moved past this time? We are really close to moving to Phase II of FBT.

Thanks in advance for your help.


'Around the Dinner Table' Online Forum for Parents and Carers


Question about my right to know about daughter's treatmentOpen in a New Window

Hello all,does anyone know at what age a child can take charge of their own treatment?I have a 13 year old daughter who just started a partial program yesterday and on her first day she had to sign a release so the facility could talk to my husband and myself.We are in PA and the center is in NJ,I know here in PA at 14 she must ok for me know about her doctors but I am confused because then why is 18 considered legal age? My husband and I both told her today never sign anything without us looking g it over first,but she got nasty and said she will sign what she wants.I tried to explain that not everyone is up front and forthcoming but she has no life experience like we adults do.How do I find out the laws and make sure she can't make her own decisions?


'Around the Dinner Table' Online Forum for Parents and Carers


Half way W/R and started bingeing?Open in a New Window

Hi, I have been reading a lot, but this is my first time posting in hopes to get good advise. My D is14 and now half way into WR. It is getting a little easier with magic plate, but still a lot of issues with restricting. Last night and once last week D couldn't stop eating a whole container of this coconut milk ice cream puffs. She was telling me how she couldn't believe she ate the whole thing and said that she is afraid that she doesn't know how to stop and afraid of developing binge eating disorder. I am so used to her restricting herself and I told her that she would never develop binge eating, that her body is sending her cues that she needs more food, that it's ok to sometimes eat this way, that everybody does it sometimes and that she probably need more food spread out through the whole day and not just a lot of food at night. I am not sure though what to do about it, scared that D might get scared and start purging( which she's never done so far). She told me yesterday that she is constantly thinking about food. Any suggestions?...


'Around the Dinner Table' Online Forum for Parents and Carers


Telegraph UK article Gp's are teling sufferers to come back when thinnerlOpen in a New Window


'Around the Dinner Table' Online Forum for Parents and Carers


Recover from RecoveryOpen in a New Window

To be honest, I did not think I will post here again. But then I thought that what we are going through at the moment might ring some bells with others and I was curious what those of you in a similar situation would have to say and share.

We have been officiall released from CAMHS a year ago. D is fully WE after stretching the target weight beyond the percentile, has her regular period back and is eating pretty much independently and flexible. From the outside, it looks as if things are past and the food is being ok. With 'ok' I mean that there are still phases in which she struggles a bit more but so far we have have been able to and also she herself has been able to to recognise these issues and deal with them. To some degree we all know that 'recovery' means to stay susceptible to these feelings, accept them, act on them and move one instead of letting them dominate to spiral down.

As we came to read the anorexia as a coping strategy for her to deal with stress, an unhealthy frienship and teenage problems, new coping strategies have to be found. I cannot stress this enough and although my D has found some temporary alternatives, some of them make things worse at other ends.

One example for coping is binge watching TV shows, which calms her down but on the downside create difficulties with her sleeping pattern which make her more vulnerable the next morning in school to be unconcentrated and leave her feeling missing out on stuff - another panic creeps up. (so we have a general rule of 'no gadgets beyond 9pm' but we try to be not too rigid).

Another examples is - ghasp - cutting. These have been minor things so far, but last week she cut deliberately so deep that it would not stop bleeding and she had to see the school nurse. They were all incredibly helpful and supportive, we have a phone call with her and a lot of conversations followed. I do not want to make this a post about cutting or self-harm - there are others and some of them incredibly helpful.

But what strikes me most in the entire process is that on all fronts a deep mistrust from her against us creeps up. Our D feels triggered by the slightest reaction from our side that reminds her of the hard recovery process. Any gesture or word that sound similar like the ones we were using in order to support her during eating recovery, make her panic and keep bringing up flash backs to how she felt - which then can lead to a real relapse, just by remembereing it. This goes as far that the sunny days coming back now, make her panic because she feels being reminded to the summer days of the past 3 years where the struggle was most difficult for her.

I tried to explain it to myself and to her that as much as we as parents had to learn to split our perception of her into an anorectic self - to which we had been strict - and a real D - to which we have tried to be supportive and compassionate, she somehow has to understand that as the controlling parents we were in a 'recovery' mode that is not our real parenting mode.

I deeply fear for the relationship to D. She hides a number of secrets that we try to follow up by reading her diary on occasion. Yes, blame me - but there have been incidents where she met elder teenagers, we do not know personally, went for a car ride with them, not telling us where she was. Stuff like this. She now prides herself of having a friend's number of his drug dealer. Not sure yet, whether she would take any action but the sheer fact that these are her thought patterns are scary. I could say more about her eagerness to explore all sorts of things, but stop here, because the main issue is the mutual trust.

Some of it might be the sheer teenage attitude of blaming an overcontrolling mum for everything. But I was wondering whether the Maudsley approach (to which we followed quite successfully) just has this side-effect for others too and how would you approach dealing with that?

Part of it is dealing with it myself (and there are other helpful texts in this forum on that). But how to you, in your relationship to your child, recover from recovery?



'Around the Dinner Table' Online Forum for Parents and Carers


Phase 2 . . . Enjoying the Peace and Don't Want to Poke The Beast, but I have toOpen in a New Window

D is in Phase 2 and doing well.  She smiles and laughs.  We are able to enjoy each other.  She is taking the initiative and pursuing activities she enjoys.  A fragile peace and happiness are tentatively creeping back into our home.

But there are still fear foods to contend with.  I unwittingly stumbled onto one tonight by serving it with dinner.  And ED roared back  . . .    It was short-lived and we handled it better than before and so did D.  But I HATE IT HATE IT HATE IT HATE IT.  It still takes a toll on all 4 of us.

I know we have to confront the fear foods.  But can I tell you how much I DON'T WANT TO????  

Those of you who've been there, or are there, how did you do it?  How did you confront fear foods?  One a week?  Did you tell your D/S that it was coming?  Did you give D/S a choice of which to confront?  Did you go back to LSYE if he/she balked?

Thanks for sharing.


'Around the Dinner Table' Online Forum for Parents and Carers


Maudsley course Ireland AprilOpen in a New Window


'Around the Dinner Table' Online Forum for Parents and Carers

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